Oh Shit… Now I Really Have to Start
Ok… so the first blog post was all easy and fun and kind of funny because I got to talk about my butt.
No, actually, that part wasn’t funny at all and quickly after writing that first blog I started to lose all control and humor related to my little ‘situation’… but my doctor didn’t. Not only did she refuse what her schedule told her was impossible she saw me the day I WALKED into her office to make an appointment, yep, I was THAT close to the edge. No scheduling online or phone calls for me… I went all 1800’s on this and walked my sad butt into her office. She also refused to allow me to let go of my sense of humor.
Before ‘addressing’ my little/big addition she required we name it…so Fred it became, and it was Fred we said goodbye to on that table in her office one cold day in December. Yes, you can be jealous because it is true, my doctor is the best ever. I love that she doesn’t pretend or gloss over when I am embarrassed or scared, but instead, she talks about it with me in the ways that feel best to me. And you know what?! We fucking took that hemorrhoid, Fred, on together! Fucking Fred….
Needless to say, it’s been a week. AND… that’s enough about THAT topic for a lifetime.
Back to that first sentence.
I love the first time I do anything. You can totally fall on your face and you can say, “well, it was my first time!” It’s all those ‘next times’, those times that you are supposed to improve that kill me.
I am well known for my inability/lack of desire to cook in my family. However, I am also known for being the one to find and try new recipes. The family is SUPER supportive when it is edible, (it is also quite shocking when that happens!) but I almost never give it a second go around. Nope, then there are expectations that I have somehow learned how to follow a recipe, then overnight turned into a person that could potentially make my way onto Hell’s Kitchen, a favorite show in the Flynn household.
So, as I sit here, did I think to myself, ‘Well done Cara! You have written one blog post, you are finished.’ What the hell?! I mean I obviously left it with a call to action, and plan to return!
Honestly, I haven’t given a single thought… okay, that is a lie and I will get to my little lie in a minute about my ‘goals/resolutions’ that I need to write (I’ve been a little distracted by ‘you know what’). It is hard. It is the SECOND time! This time I can actually FAIL! This time it is work, it is the path, the ride I really try to avoid going on. It is the reason I decided to go on this journey, to return to this ancient way of communicating, blogging, for the one reader, and PLEASE let there be one reader holding me accountable!
Because this time I think I actually WANT to get on the ride! I want to throw up because my world is going round and round and my belly is filled with excitement, and maybe I would take a few bites of funnel cake because.. yum… but now I’m distracted.
And that leads me, if you are even still with me, back to that lie, because even though I didn’t really dive into writing those goals or resolutions or having any ideas about what fears I am going to tackle or share with you, I did accidentally stumble onto a little something today that might be leading me in the right direction.
Every other week, if I remember, and if my subconscious mind doesn’t wander to avoid the work that is hard to do, I meet with the most wonderful human, my coach, Emily! She is the most gentle soul who does this little thing where she turns a mirror back on me all the time and makes me face myself and re-meet myself all the time.
Today we are chatting away and I’m going on and on about the only topic I talk about right now, the ‘little issue’ that we aren’t discussing anymore and last week’s luncheon that led to this blog.
Being Emily, she then took me on my own little adventure, not allowing me to get 100% sidetracked by my distraction, (which I totally appreciate) and we talked a little about my inability to take a compliment, yet my complete desire to be acknowledged for the work that I do.
*I would like to take a quick intermission to acknowledge that even though it may appear that I am a good communicator since I am writing this blog, I host/co-host two podcasts. I in fact SUCK at communication,
I have had to work quite hard at saying basic things, like what I want. It has been so bad in the past that now when I say what I want, my husband doesn’t believe me. So I have to have him ask me another question, so I can tell him what I DON’T want… so that he knows I am actually sharing what I desire- not what I think he wants to hear. That has probably, most certainly, been a challenge to live with.
Here’s the kicker… for YEARS I secretly thought I was the ‘better person’ because damn, how easy would it be to be married to the person that lets you make all the decisions?! Ummmm… can you say utterly and completely EXHAUSTING!!! What can I say, I’m a work in progress and I’m very thankful I didn’t marry myself.
BACK TO THE STORY!
SOOOOO as obvious as that statement above may seem to the average human, it was quite a jaw-dropping thought that these two things go together and that if I could learn how to simply ASK someone for acknowledgment, maybe I could learn how to take in compliments… THEN…
Right as we are finishing up our Zoom, Emily drops an unintentional cliffhanger (THIS IS THE LIE I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT!!). What if, when I stop taking in compliments or seeing my own talents as something of value, WHAT IF part of that is the fear that holds me back from really realizing the life, the goals, the personal success I desire in my life?!
MIC DROP. BOOM. SCARY YET AMAZING SHIT.
…and PS for the record, I officially did the second blog! I survived, and maybe, one reader, so did you.
…PSS if I promise to not talk about my butt anymore will you come back again? I would REALLY appreciate it! (See how I’m communicating!)
Cheers!